that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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