This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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