It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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