I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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