I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
