I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
