I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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