Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
