if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
