There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
