i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
