Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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