You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
