You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
