Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
