My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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