wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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