if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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