i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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