My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
