unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
