how can u be prego again
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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