I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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