Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
look no pants
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
