Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
