The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
