drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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