Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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