I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
