Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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