Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
