I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Blood and glitter go together right?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
