He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
