I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
