The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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