I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
