I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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