i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
