He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
