There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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