i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
