last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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