was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
