Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you had me at cake vodka
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
