Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
