Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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