I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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