Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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