I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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