You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
