Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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