dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
