dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
