I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
