I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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