I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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