the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
