what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i dont even know how to be here
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
