I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
