I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
