i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
