My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
