she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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