Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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