After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
