A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
