he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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