The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
