best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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