What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
