____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
